You know you're a rural woman when . . .

factors involved in vehicle accidents reported in your local newspaper this week include two steers, a cow, two deer and sugar beets.

your new car insurance agent insists on a street address for your policy instead of a post office box number. . .and you don't have one. When he asks what the dispatcher would tell the fire department if there was a fire at your house, you say, "there's a fire at the Old Smith Place."

you've inadvertantly disrobed in front of your veterinarian when you removed your coveralls after a difficult birth in the maternity barn, forgetting you didn't get dressed before you went out to check the cow.

the only time you lock your pickup is when you go to church on Sunday so nobody will leave bags of zucchini on the seat.

salesman who come to your office always ask, "are you The Mrs.?"

your horoscope says, "you will meet the love of your life somewhere between your house and where you work," and in your case that covers an area encompassing the dry cow pasture and the haystacks.

a really big thrill is finding muck boots that fit.

you know what a correction line is.

you formed your opinions about animal welfare from working in barns and pastures, not from the PETA web site.

your best vehicle has farm tags.

you call it your "good car" because so far you haven't hauled any livestock in it -- just a couple of loads of lumber.

you know what farm tags are.

the last time you got together with your women friends, the main topic of conversation was your new saw.

you don't use a pet carrier because there is no way to fasten it on top of the toolbox in the back of your pickup where your dog likes to ride.

you got a high score on the butch/fem quiz in spite of the fact that you aren't lesbian.

when you play signifyin' with your women friends, the one who wins is the one who lives the farthest from Wal-Mart.

you live 540 km. and one windshield from a paved road.

when you take a detour through your cornfield to avoid highway construction and you meet your accountant using the same detour; she waves you over, gets out of her pickup and hands you this month's financial report.

where you live, "SUV" is not a dirty word and people driving compact cars can't get up the road to your house.

your "flashlight" has 500,000 candlepower so you can see across the pasture when the cows get out at night.

your "hair stylist" looks like Mayme Eisenhower.

you leave the beauty shop and YOU look like Mayme Eisenhower.

the names of all the local beauty shops start with a "K". (Klassy Klippers, Kute Kutups, Kurly Korners, Karen's Kutts, Kathy's Hair Korral, etc.)

the new counselor at the local mental health center was also the newcomer at last Friday night's AA meeting.

the new priest is the newcomer at the AA meeting.

you're considered radical because you kept your maiden name when you married

the weather report says rain and instead of taking an umbrella, you wear a full-length slicker and take the 4 wheel drive.

you have an emergency kit in the back of your vehicle, and you have actually used it.

you laugh when the salesman tells you that the "donut" spare tire in the jeep he's trying to sell you can be driven for 30 miles and you should be able to find a service station in that distance.

you have to take an airplane to get to your appointment with a gynecologist.

you're dressed up for a special occasion with important people and an hour after you arrive you discover that you have straw in your hair

your "good shoes" are the one pair that doesn't have cow manure on them - yet.

three people standing in line at the post office offer to loan you their glasses when you've left yours out in the car and you can't see to fill out a form.

the woman behind you in line at the grocery store pulls out a twenty dollar bill to pay for your things when you discover you've left your checkbook at home. And you probably won't see her again until the County Fair.

at the diner they know how you want your eggs without asking you first.

that grooming dilemma isn't called "bad hair day" -- it's called "hat head."

when you go to the city you visit the hardware store instead of the clothing shops.

you call a wrong number and end up talking for 30 minutes.

the postal service actually delivers your mail when the address has only your name and town.

there's only one elevator in town, and it's the site of an annual field trip for the elementary school kids.

a phone call wakes you up in the middle of the night, the caller identifies himself as a police officer, and the first thing you are concerned about is that whether the cows are out on the highway.

you say 'the new bridge' in giving directions even though it has been there for 15 years . . .or you refer to the bypass that was built in the 70s as the "new highway".

you give directions to your house and someone asks, "what do you live near?" and the answer is nothing.

the UPS man doesn't even bother going to your house to deliver a package because he knows that at this time of day you will be at the cofeeshop, so he delivers your package there

it's considered poor etiquette to not honk and wave to every familiar car or pick-up (that means all of them) you pass while driving through town

the hood of your car is up, you are underneath it, and everyone considers this an open invitation to stop and talk

you go to the greenhouse and nobody is there, and there is a sign by the door that says, "write down what you bought and put payment in here" . . . or there are vegetables for sale in front of a house and a box with a sign that says, "pay what you think"

the store owner is also the postmaster and the newspaper delivery person.

you have to find your diet support group on the Internet

you don't know the street names in your home town so you say things like, "It's catty corner to the old Beeson place," and everybody knows exactly where you mean

you call the police to find out when your son's bus will arrive from an out of town game

the local radio station announces who has been admitted and discharged from the hospital

three semis go by while you're waiting to turn out on the road and you are checking out the quality of the alfalfa bales they're hauling and not the drivers

the local news station features the "Horse of the Week"

it's your fault that a small plane can't land at the local airport . . .because your heifers are out on the runway.

if you want to talk to another feminist, you have to make a long distance call

you can't board your pets when you want to leave town because they don't take sheep at the boarding place.

all you can get on the radio is country western music, religious broadcasts, Rush Limbaugh and Dr. Laura

you're awakened in the middle of the night by a cowboy in your kitchen hollering, "can I use your phone?" after he drove into the ditch on the way home from the bar in a snowstorm.

a stray Holstein heifer appears in town and everyone thinks it's yours.

new in town . . . .

you're the new attorney in town and at your first motion hearing the judge calls you by your first name

you're new in town and before anybody will do business with you, you have to explain where you grew up and why you moved.

you're introduced as being "new in town" and you have lived there for 27 years.

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